i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
