he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
