Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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