his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
