If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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