goodnight i made you a song goodbye
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
