once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I want to be your penis for a week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
