he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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