two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
