I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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