I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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