Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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