guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
