And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize