It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
