I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
