I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
