she looked like the before picture.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
as a side note pls kill me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
