the condom got lost in my hair
you traded sex for a burrito?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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