my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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