so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
