I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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