Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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