my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
