Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
