Cold hands, warm shart.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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