i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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