I puked a lego.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
