I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
