Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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