I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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