Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
