dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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