Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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