No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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