i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
