When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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