I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
