I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
