Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
