I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
