You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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