Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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