people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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