i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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