life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize