If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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