Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
