1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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