He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize