two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
