i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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