Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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