Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
