what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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