so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
