listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
