I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
