i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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