I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
