What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize