Don't you send me to vm
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
