Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
