My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
