Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
