Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
