he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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