the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
