Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
