I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
