there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
