Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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