I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
